Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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