She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
