he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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