mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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