Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
