Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
