went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
