I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
