we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
