Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
