Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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