I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
