he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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