if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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