I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
