That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
