My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
