I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
