I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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