Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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