Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
