There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Congratulations! We have a period
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
