stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
