your parents love me but you hate me
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
