I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
