i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
