Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
