Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
