Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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