How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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