so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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