i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
