I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
