Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
