Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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