Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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