We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
