He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
