she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
