i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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