Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
