well he's currently spooning the coffee table
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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