I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
