booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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