McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
