EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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