I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
