I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
