Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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