matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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